i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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