i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
