the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
