i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
