I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
