Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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