I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
