Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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