You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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