It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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