Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
