I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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