I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
