For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize