I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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