phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
