i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
