be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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