I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
