I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
