Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He better not be in your backpack
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
