Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My feet surprised me
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
