you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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