Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
