I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Pants are for mortals
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
