I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
where am i from again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
