When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
