Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
