just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
