Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
