I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
