guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
