the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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