i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
