textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
