what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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