then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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