There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
