FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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