I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
