After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
