I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
