just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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