he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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