I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
