Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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