i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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