I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i now understand why vodka
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
