the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
