Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
