so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize