Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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