I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
