so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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