Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I looked at my own cervix.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
