I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She bit a glass in half.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
