the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
